Final Fantasy VII and the MarySue Machine
by Guardian Kiune
Summary: All the elements of a Mary-Sue fic...except our hero wants no part in it.
1. Prologue

Final Fantasy VII and the Mary-Sue Machine

By, Guardian Kiune and CraicRocker

"At last! My beautiful creation is complete! Isn't that so fucking kawaii?!" The lonely teen-age girl said to no one.

"With my mary-sue fanfiction machine complete, I can glomp all the super kawaii bishounen guys I want in every movie game and book and story ever!!!"

At this two students stopped in front of the tower and shuddered.

"Did you just get a chill?" She asked her friend who had noticeably stopped in his tracks.

" You mean that eerie sensation that some horrible, sinister creation was just born into the world?"

"….yeah that. It's creepy enough the college puts the science department in a fucking tower." She said looking up into the strangely darkening sky. "Anyway, lets just go, the roof is the best place to smoke up on campus, if only we can find the keys." They strode into the building as thunder growled menacingly in the distance.

With the loud metal clank of a tack hammer, she had finally tacked the name plate of this wicked device to its side. She stepped back admiring her work when her phone echoes with Vincent Valentine's theme music.

"Like, hello? …OMFGZ really!? A sale at Hot Topic! I'm sooo there!" Thankfully she runs out the door and out of this fic forever…hopefully. The door slams behind her bringing the "mary-sue" portion of the machine's sign down to the floor with a metal clatter.

Meanwhile, somewhere on a gloomy staircase inside the tower…

"Look, don't blame me for your smoker's cough, I was the one who suggested the elevator."

Hack…wheeze…"Fuck" cough, hack "off."

At the top of the stairs, they notice that the laboratory door is unlocked.

"Hm, maybe one of the professors left it open…come on, let's find the keys to the roof before they get back."

While her friend rummages aimlessly through stacks of forgotten homework, she notices an awkward, hulking contraption in one corner of the lab, with a jumble of wires hooking it to a large screen. The whole corner is filled with ominous shadows.

"Fanfiction machine?" Upon closer inspection she found a dial, labeled in some teenage girl's super-flowery handwriting, "Harry Potter." She turned the dial, scanning past various fandoms: "Pirates of the Caribbean…Pokemon… ooh, Final Fantasy VII!"

From across the lab, now up to his waist in paper, he heard his friend's last words:

"I wonder what this big red button does."


	2. Glomped out of her skull

A disembodied voice speaks overhead.

"**Her name was Liliana Crimson Ruby Krystal Ebony May."**

Our unwitting hero snorts derisively. "Who the hell has a name like that, and where the hell am I?"

Just then a villager conveniently runs up, "Hello Liliana Crimson Ruby Krystal Ebony May! Welcome to Gongaga!"

"What the fuck? My name isn't Liliana Crims- oh, whatever… it's –"

"**Liliana Crimson Ruby Krystal Ebony May flipped her waist-length blonde hair with blue and silver streaks,"** The booming narrator interrupts.

She peers at her completely normal reddish-brown hair, "What the fuck are you talking about?" She then looks inquisitively at the villager who has a creepy admiring look on his face.

"Oh Liliana, even when you curse your voice is that of a thousand singing angels!" Our hero stares in disbelief at her admirer then walks off without another word.

"What the hell was that about?" She stops to finally glace at her surroundings, they seemed like a place she had seen before but with less polygons. _Am I really… somewhere else?_ Her thought is interrupted by a blonde spike coming over the horizon.

_I know that yellow pixel…wait, is that –_

The narrator cuts in again. **"The dashing, robust figure of the young hero with chiseled features and Mako Blue Orbs that seemed to contain oceans of deep sadness –"**

Our hero's howling laughter drowns out the narrator's mindless gushing for several seconds.

"—**wandering in and out of the villagers' homes, helping himself to their valuables, until his Mako Blue Orbs fell on Liliana Crimson Ruby Krystal Ebony May's supple form –"**

Our hero blinks. _Wait, what?_

"**Immediately Cloud drops his newfound treasures and dashes manfully toward the fair maiden with untold yearning written on his pale face."**

_Oh, shit!_ Our hero promptly wheels around and runs like hell, away from the amorous blonde with the ridiculously big sword.

"**Before long," **the narrator drones**, "the Mako-enhanced ex-SOLDIER caught up to the playful girl, ending her flirtatious game of hard-to-get."**

"GET THE FUCK OFF ME, YOU SPIKY FREAK!"

"**Her sweet declaration of affection melted the swordsman' usually stony face into a tender expression of undying love."**

"Oh Christ, he's smiling, help me!"

"Liliana," Cloud begins hesitantly," Thine eyes hast never seen such a beauty as yours"

"My eyes? You arrogant fuck… oh wait you meant your eyes, thou butcherest the queen's good English sirrah."

"Oh Lilliana, I knew our hearts would find each other in this vast and lonely – whaaagh!" Cloud's soliloquy is thankfully cut off as Tifa hauls him off by the back of his shirt.

"Sorry about that, he's always like that when we get a new Mary Sue around. Although most of them seem to enjoy it more than you did," Tifa says.

"What – Mary Sue?? I am not a goddamned Mary Sue, I don't even know how the fuck I got here!"

"Your heart was drawn to mine by the harmonious beating of our –" Cloud's inane babble is abruptly cut off as Tifa knocks him out cold with a punch to the face.

"Well," Tifa eyes our hero, "you are an unusual one. Normally by now they're shrieking about how I hurt their precious Cloudie-poo and trying to claw my eyes out."

Another head comes bobbing over the top of the hill. For a moment his head seems to be on fire, until our hero realizes it's Cid with a cigarette behind his ear.

"Hey, where the fuck are you guys and where's our goddamned leader, somebody's gotta lead this fuckin' circus – "

"**The Azure Duke of the Sky opened his mouth wide, dropping the second lit cigarette clenched between his teeth, upon seeing Liliana poised in all her lustrous glory, haloed by the rays of light trickling down through the trees of the Gongagan jungle."**

_Azure Duke of the…oh dear lord._ Our hero ducks behind Tifa, hoping Tifa's cleavage will distract the love-smitten pilot, but Cid shoves Tifa out of the way to grab our hero up in what probably passes for an embrace in Cid's mind.

"Help…can't breathe," she wheezes, feet kicking ineffectually a foot above the ground.

"Liliana, darlin', yer a fair flowerin' jewel in a …desert or somethin'."

"Charming," our hero gasps. "PUT ME DOWN!"

"As ya wish, my little tea leaf, delicate an' fragrant like a …cup o' tea." He drops her abruptly. As she hits the ground she scrambles to her feet and dashes through the village. Cid tries to chase after her but is shortly debilitated by a bout of cigarette-induced hacking his lungs out.

"**The Pilot looked on toward the playful nymph, his breath taken away by her astounding beauty."**

She hides behind a building, bracing herself against the wall; her chest heaves as she pants for breath.

"**Her magnificent heaving bosoms like two ships on the wave – "**

"AAAAAHHH!"

The door beside her opens as she tries to bat the annoying narrator voice away like a swarm of mosquitoes, and Barrett steps out with an ice cream cone.

"**Hi," his booming voice said flirtily.**

"No it didn't! Barrett, help, the whole cast – "

"Hi," his booming voice says flirtily.

"Oh God, not you too." She runs across the street, nearly colliding with Aerith as she steps out of a materia shoppe. "Oh thank God, Aerith, all the guys are hopelessly out of char – "

"Omigod like get the fuck off me you almost ruined my hair," **"said the super-popular preppy bitch who stole Cloud's heart, Aerith." **

Our hero shakes her fist at the sky. "No! Stop this! Aerith is not a prep, she's a …hippie or something."

Wheeling around, frantically looking for some sane person to talk to –

"**Liliana did a spontaneous spinning dance of joy and magicalness – "**

"Stop making up words and…describing me!" As she was railing at the heavens, our hero nearly trips over Red XIII's fiery tail which, strangely, never seems to catch anything on fire.

"Finally, someone who has to be immune to this shit – this story can't write me paired with a lion-dog…thing, right?"

"**A sparkling swirl of blue magic surrounded Red XIII as he laid eyes on Liliana Ruby Krystal Day, and his animal form effortlessly melted away to reveal a gorgeous young prince like Beauty and the Beast, lying with a rose in his hand as he slowly lifted his head to gaze at her with eternal love."**

"No! No Disney crossovers! No! …Because no!"

"**His eyes were deep and soulful with Native American Indian Heritage, and he had a long flowy midnight blue-black ponytail. Basically like Pocahontas but a guy because otherwise that would be weird."**

"This is already weird, you sick fuck! I don't want to go paint with all the colors of the wind, I want to go home!"

Tifa at last breathlessly catches up to the panicking hero. "Don't run off like that [..]"

"Quick," says the hero, "tell them I have herpes! Make them go away!"

"Calm down – Red, stop ogling the – what the hell?? That's a new one…how did you anthropomorphize the lion-dog-thing?"

"I didn't, the evil disembodied voice that keeps describing me did it!"

"Hmm. This seems to be a worse case than usual; Red is usually spared," Tifa remarks. "Look, for now, why don't you come back to town with me and we can start this strange side-quest in the morning."

"Can we pick up some pepper spray on the way?"


End file.
